I've had a lot of those lately, tough hours and tough moments. I keep telling myself I've been worse, but its bad enough right? I write this blog mostly for myself realizing that only a very few read it. So this is a sort of therapy I guess. Everyday I work on not internalizing and letting go. This is a form of getting it out. Though I fear it never really goes away.
Its tough to put it into words because it makes it very real. The feelings. The sadness. I've been very sick lately. Have you ever been so sad that it makes you sick? But then again I've spent countless time and energy in doctors waiting rooms trying to decide what has come first, the sick and the sad or the sad then the sick. Believe me, doctors can't really tell you, so I spend a lot of time trying to figure it out myself and all along the way asking God to help me. This I fear too never really goes away, the trying to figure it out.
It's a cycle. Dwell on it and it makes it worse, but it's all you think about. Why do I feel this way when things are so good? I should be happy, right? People all around me are happy with much less why can't I be? I have an amazing family. An amazing job. A few great friends. My children are blessings, healthy, smart and happy. Yet happiness always seems just beyond. I can't get "it" off my chest. The heaviness.
So, I wake up in the morning and do it all over again. I look for the good in the little, simple things each day: my children laughing and their soft love, the dog greeting me good morning, the smell of old things, my husband telling me its all going to be ok and the look of love on his face, friends telling me they care, facebook messages from faraway people, making something with my hands, reading a good book, listening to a song I love.
The fight is worth fighting. I will get better. It will get better. And I have to believe that gradually the tough hours will turn into better hours and this too shall pass. And I will be stronger for it. So, I ask the Goddess of Never Not Broken, what will I become this time? How will I put myself back together and let go of what was and embrace what is and what will come? Peace is out there and time will tell.
So what now? I'm going to go read my book.