Monday, July 8, 2013

This love...

I'm not one to read religious books or self help.  Just not my thing.  But just now started reading Mother Teresa:  No Greater Love.  This is one lady I can really get behind.  Love is her thing.  Love is something that is such a huge part of my life and really dictates much of what I do.  I feel I have such great empathy, which is both good and bad.  Too much of it takes such an emotional toll.  But is good to be able to connect with people and help in some way.  I am hoping this book might shed some light on how to manage "love," if that is possible, and use it for good.  I don't want love to hurt anyone and right now especially me.

Lately I have been feeling very selfish and focused on me and I don't like that.  Maybe the answer and path to happiness lies in turning your thoughts to others and how you can help them.  But, having had experiences in helping others that have gone super sour, I'm not sure.  After being burned a few times its hard to do it again.  But I think Mother Teresa will have something to say on that subject.  We will see.

Love is so complicated yet so simple.

Love each other as God loves each one of you, with an intense and particular love.
Be kind to each other:  It is better to commit faults with gentleness, than to work miracles with unkindness.

                            - Mother Teresa

Sunday, July 7, 2013

The tough hours....

I've had a lot of those lately, tough hours and tough moments.  I keep telling myself I've been worse, but its bad enough right?  I write this blog mostly for myself realizing that only a very few read it.  So this is a sort of therapy I guess.  Everyday I work on not internalizing and letting go.  This is a form of getting it out.  Though I fear it never really goes away.

Its tough to put it into words because it makes it very real.  The feelings.  The sadness.  I've been very sick lately.  Have you ever been so sad that it makes you sick?  But then again I've spent countless time and energy in doctors waiting rooms trying to decide what has come first, the sick and the sad or the sad then the sick.   Believe me, doctors can't really tell you, so I spend a lot of time trying to figure it out myself and all along the way asking God to help me.  This I fear too never really goes away, the trying to figure it out.

It's a cycle.  Dwell on it and it makes it worse, but it's all you think about.  Why do I feel this way when things are so good?  I should be happy, right?  People all around me are happy with much less why can't I be?   I have an amazing family.  An amazing job.  A few great friends.  My children are blessings, healthy, smart and happy.  Yet happiness always seems just beyond.  I can't get "it" off my chest.  The heaviness.

So, I wake up in the morning and do it all over again.  I look for the good in the little, simple things each day:  my children laughing and their soft love, the dog greeting me good morning, the smell of old things,  my husband telling me its all going to be ok and the look of love on his face, friends telling me they care, facebook messages from faraway people, making something with my hands, reading a good book, listening to a song I love.

The fight is worth fighting.  I will get better.  It will get better.  And I have to believe that gradually the tough hours will turn into better hours and this too shall pass.  And I will be stronger for it.  So, I ask the Goddess of Never Not Broken, what will I become this time?  How will I put myself back together and let go of what was and embrace what is and what will come?  Peace is out there and time will tell.

So what now?  I'm going to go read my book.